Hey there… 🙂
It has been an eternity, hasn’t it?! Well, I’m gonna write a blog post worth all the break, so that should make up for it. 🙂
Tonight was my reflection night. I had gone on a two-day trip out of country and I came back with a new energy, a renewed me. So, I decided to sit down and just read my diary from 2016 to the current day at 2017. And wow, it was a big blow. Man I have changed!
It’s the same person I am looking at, but how my thoughts and emotions towards the same person now are so dramatically different than the my first logs about the person. I cannot decide if changing is a good or a bad thing, but I am sure that without it, it is impossible to become better versions of ourselves.
So, how did I change?
I used to have a bigger chamber of friends- I used to have lots of them. I loved to hang out in groups, go out with tons of people, hang out with different friends and have the fun of a lifetime. Now I don’t do that. I still love to hang out with a lot of people, but I don’t have that many people I wanna hang out with anymore, let alone bringing them together.
I used to trust people a lot. And be disappointed a lot. Yeah. The trusting and feeling secure part really made every moment worth. But I’m not sure if my good memories deserve to be crushed by disappointments. I don’t believe in trusting a million times and being disappointed a million times rather than not trusting at all anymore. I would rather find a grey spot rather than live in black and whites. I now think that blacks and whites are exhausting. Trying again and again is really tiring. I would rather have walls now and have them broken down by people who are worth trusting, rather than handing my heart out to a blank space and gamble. The gambling- maybe that is when life gets exciting and when you live to the maximum. But for some reason, the idea doesn’t pull me in anymore. Not because I am scared, but because I have been there, done that. Feel like it’s time to move on from the nomadic lifestyle. 🙂
I used to be willing to be understanding. I used to empathize with everyone. I used to be able to give reason even to the most stubborn and close-minded person. I went along with a big range of people- didn’t matter who they were. I somehow found a way to take their perspective and life wasn’t that difficult. It was easy to communicate with people. Now… Heheh. 😀 I have absolutely become more stubborn. I have absolutely become less invested in the reasons people might have done the things they did. I am quick to decide if I like a person or not, based on their actions. I am quick to say in my head, “That person is messed up. Good luck to him/her.” I don’t oversee the “mistakes” or forgetfulness-es that easily anymore.
Well, these are the major changes. And they are pretty big. How can I still be the same person when the core way I approach others and my friendships has completely changed? I can’t for sure. And how do I feel about it? Hmm…
I absolutely demand as much understanding as I give now. I cannot blindly just put myself under the bus anymore- that’s what I feel I was doing back then. Was I happier that way? Without a second of thought- YES. Absolutely YES. I was so much more happier. Believing life always gave second chances- how couldn’t I be happy?! But it is not about happiness anymore- that is the easiest thing in the world to get. It is about contentment now.
Now I don’t think that it was life that gave those second chances. It was honestly just me. I brought all those feelings of trust and openness into a world where I was 18. And let me tell you with true honesty- I started being exhausted of being disappointed. I look at things like this now: if I am going to trust someone it should be worth what I’m investing.
The way I see friendship has taken a 360. I don’t like to spend time for just spending time with people. I really want to take something out of it. I really don’t want small talk for an eternity of a friendship. I want to smile meaningfully when I think about each and everyone of my friendships. Maybe that is why I don’t have that many friends anymore. Because the meaning of friend has changed. Friend is not someone you go out to have fun with anymore. It is that, PLUS, more than that.
About being stubborn… I definitely think I can be more empathetic from time to time. But I really can’t bring myself to take responsibility off people’s shoulders that easily anymore. Everybody has their own reasons for doing the things they are doing, but that doesn’t give them the right to leave others baffled or force others to blindly trust to be able to be understood. Maybe more than actually behaving, we should consider how the other person is going to take it. If everybody behaved the way they wanted with only personal considerations and phrases such as, “I know myself, I don’t need anybody else’s approval to know that what I am doing is correct”, I think the world would be a much worse place.
Yeah, we don’t need approval to know that we are right. But we are not living alone, and our actions affect other people. We really need to consider how our behaviors are going to be perceived before stubbornly committing to selfish-looking and egocentric-appearing actions. I think if we successfully make that consideration and still stick to our actions, then we might have a reason to ask for understanding. In the end, understanding is charity- it cannot be forced. We can only ask for it, never demand it. Which is the beautiful thing about it. We are able to feel grateful to be understood.
Which brings me to my starting point. I definitely hold people accountable more and seek to find out if they are really selfish, or they are doing what they are doing because of a major, more meaningful cause. Well, I found out most of the people around me were doing it for the first reason. Which is why, I really believe they are not worth my time. Again, hence, my small chamber of friends.
I changed for sure. And I am glad I did. I am sure I will come up with completely different content under the same title years later, which is why, I appreciate how I was years ago and how I am now too. For now, this will be all. Tell me about you- did you have that moment where you looked back and realized you had changed into someone completely different? How did it make you feel? I’m really interested. 😀
In the next post dear readers!